last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Redeem this text for a blowjob
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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