'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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