i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
