Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
