Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Operation Purity has been aborted
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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