I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
