No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
