She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
