you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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