Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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