you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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