There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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