Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
