but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize