I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
