I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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