Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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