I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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