just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
