how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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