If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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