can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
