then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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