I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize