I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
