I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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