I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
