When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
