walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize