I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
