Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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