Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
