Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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