The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I met the friendliest cop last night
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
