Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
