This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
