mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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