Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize