i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
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