She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
