I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
