my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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