she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
