I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
