Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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