drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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