bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Welp...herpes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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