Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize