I think I died a long time ago.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize