he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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