I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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