just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
