life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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