There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
