Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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