apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
