True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
